Y.. A Deep Valley Comments

(cont.) to MyPoemList! ! another one. no stinker, this! ! ! i'd say you were in a temporary depression. that has happened to me as well. i did not lose love for someone, but i thought i might lose love from someone! there is now a special area for Poet's Notes, but i'm glad you placed it immediately after the poem text, & labeled as: - Note: bravo! bri ;)

2nd stanza: thee refers to? maybe i'll find out if i finish reading the poem? Yes! the path of (unconditional) love. congratulations! ! may you always remain on the 'right' path, and never, EVER, sink again into the unfathomly deep valley. (cont.)

I just think why was i so late in reaching to read this poem..... But now since i have read it.. I can say its an experience and adventure that is served via this poem.. The words are so Crisp that does not leave you from completing reading and the mind asks.. now whats next.. and then we have the last verse so Pleasant... Simply love this...10

interesting poem.

I am so glad to hear the end. Yes that is the secret of life. Find peace, respect to the other person, love and know that everything works for good, no matter what it is. I had only one child, possibly because I could not handle more. You are a wise father I respect you to the highest.

The Note add more greatest feeling and i was like ' God, i like this piece so much'...i like the tone from beginning to the end, it's amazing how you pull it that way...Passionate, love, solitude and attitudes are so striking here..It's great write :) Keep it up! ! ! ! _Unwritten Soul

Every man have their own way and different from each other and that's includes family too but love is always there...! ! ! Nice expression and wise opinion is there in this poem and thanks for sharing it with us...! ! !

The bitter reality of life; but with a good resolve. A beautiful poem of consolation and hope. My best to you and your son.

Good poem, true dear friend keep love and smiles alive, I know will come a time you will both have great laugh at those days.

I like the premise of the poem although, of course, it is so difficult to write anything new about being lost without love. You bring colour to the piece with the imaginative use of dinosaurs and the deep valley and I do like a poem that is not all self pity and ends with a bit of hope. You’ve asked for some constructive criticism, so here goes! You've chosen a simple structure to the poem - aiming for a pair of rhyming couplets for each stanza - except they are not true couplets because they vary in length so much, and in places they do not truly rhyme. Some lines have as many as thirteen syllables whilst others have only nine. The lines themselves don't have a very poetic structure - there is no pattern to stressed or unstressed syllables. The overall effect is that the piece has an irregular rhythm and the rhymes appear forced. As an example, if I take the second line of your first stanza, which is a line that has some rhythm, slightly modify it, and come up with a new line of nine syllables to couple with it, with similar, da dum type stress on the syllables, you may see the difference It’s dark, it’s cold, it’s bothering me I haven’t a light by which to see If now we change these to ten syllables, see how the trotting feel of the lines smoothes out to more of a canter? It’s dark, it’s cold, it’s bothering my mind I have no light, I’m near frozen and blind The rythym of a poem is like its inner tune and I think the feel of this tune should match the message of the poem. Personally, I'd like to outlaw the use, in modern poems, of old English words which are not in everyday use. Words such as thee, thou and thine reinforce the unnatural feeling the forced rhymes already provide. I feel certain that if Shakespeare was alive today he would not be thee and thouing all over the place! I hope these comments help.

this is very up building i love it keep writing

In a catch-22 or in a dilemma, we looking for a path everywhere as we are in trouble... The path of wisdom, the path of love and the path of His way may lead us to a land, where we'll be free... Wonderful poem, , , so inspirational and spiritual....i like the last two lines..that line will be the line of a victor...

great write, nice poem to read with the rhyme scheme