Who I Wonder Poem by Grant House

Every so often
I catch my right hand
Reaching to twirl
Around my ring finger
The wedding ring
That is not there

What
I wonder
Is the meaning
Of that

Each time I am startled
To encounter naked skin
Instead of that familiar
Circle of gold
Outside scratched
Marked by
Twenty three years
Of everyday life
Inside like new
Always smooth
Against my protected
Ring-bearing place
Timelessly turning
Around a kind of groove
In which it nestled
The fingers of my other hand
Comforting and connecting us
Across
Physical
Relational
Spiritual
Distances

Precious inscription
Inside
A word
Love
A date
2-14-88
The most wonderful day
Ever

Ever

It happens every so often
Without thinking

Then I remember
The ring is in the small box
Of leftover things
In the drawer
By my bed
I remember
You
And us together
Our rings on different hands
Interlinked
My breathing slows

Sometimes
I grieve
Letting the feelings
Like magma
From a fissure
In the surface of an otherwise
Calm earth
Erupt
Red
Hot
Pouring out
Cooling
Becoming brittle

As the ring
That is not there
Twirls
I wonder

How it is even possible that on
The twenty-seventh of May
Eight years ago
I spent the first night
Of my new life
In an upper State Street motel
With a neon Vacancy sign
The clerk at nearly midnight
Handing me a real key to an old lock
Sending me up the stairs
With my stuff
In my bag
Into that stuffy room

I close the heavy door
Carefully
The odd silence
Of overwhelming uncertainty
Fills the room

I close the blackout curtains
Sit on the edge of the bed
And measure my breath like a surfer
Flipped back over the falls
Caught inside
North swell
Midwinter Jalama
Tarantulas

If you surf
You understand
What I just said

Eight years

Now
When it counts
Like old friends
We can and do
From time to time
Talk about important things
But never about why
I did not
Take off the ring
Until months
After we separated

***

I am curious

After writing this
Will I ever reach for
The absent ring
Again

And

Since it surprises me
Every time it happens
Who
I wonder
Is doing the twirling