When Love Must Be Free Poem by Christen Kuikoua

How does one forget
what the heart refuses to release?
How does one silence a love
that keeps returning, even in prayer?

It is you.
I have stopped pretending otherwise.

I tell my heart to stay before God,
because I do not know what else to do with it.
Love found me without asking,
and I have not been strong enough to send it away.

I tried to let it go.
I tried,
through distance, through reason, through quiet.
But each attempt only taught me this:
I cannot unlove what arrived honestly.

What ache it is
to care for one this deeply
and guard it so carefully.
To speak with measure
while my heart leans forward.

Some days I am patient.
Other days I am simply tired.
Tired of waiting,
tired of carrying a feeling with nowhere to rest.

Still, I wait.
Not because I am certain,
but because I came sincere.

I wait knowing love must be free.
I will not bend your will
to comfort my own heart.
If you choose me,
let it be because you want to—
not because I endured long enough.

And if you do not,
I will grieve quietly
and still wish you well.

But please understand this:
my waiting is not indifference,
and my silence is not absence.
It is restraint,
and it costs me more than I admit.

So heart, do not shame yourself for loving.
God saw me when this feeling formed.
He knows I did not chase illusion.

So rest, oh dear heart.
Do not war against yourself.
We were formed to love,
and love is not dishonorable.

Many waters cannot quench it,
nor distance drown it.
Yet I place it at the feet of God,
who gives and withholds in wisdom.

For no matter how hard I try,
I cannot unlove you.
This is not defiance,
it is confession.

Until the day speaks clearly
or silence answers fully,
I will wait,
faithful in love,
and free in surrender.

Before My Lord Jesus Christ & You