Title Yet To Be Discovered (Part 8) Comments
The dinner was an awkward one. Once we were all seated there was a strange silence hanging over the group. The silence wasn't something entirely rare. For most of our time down here the days had been uneventful; one very much the same as the next. Today however was not so. Yet still nobody seemed able to bring up a conversation. For a time, one of the longest sentences spoken was simply, 'Could you pass the carrots please? '
I was grateful. I used the time to collect my thoughts. Come up with a usable version of the story detailing the events that had taken place on my voyage outside the safe-house. By the time I'd finished eating and helped Emily to get cleaned up I felt mostly confident that I'd shored up any plot holes that might arise from leaving out some of the more gruesome aspects of my adventure.
Finally there came a time that the kids were convinced to go along and play while the adults talked. They were usually pretty good about this, and typically didn't need any convincing, but there was a feeling in the air, a heaviness, that even they had caught on to. Something important was happening or had happened, and they could sense it. As such, they were reluctant to leave us to ourselves. A promise from Becca to read two stories tonight instead of one was finally enough to make them comply.
Barry broke the ice, 'So, Ian, tell us what happened already. I can't take any more suspense.'
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After six hours of 'editing' earlier today, I went through the first read noticing punctuation, grammar and spelling errors. That is to be expected on a rough draft, especially typed in on a phone. If you go over this yourself, you will most likely find most of them. You kept the quotations correctly placed but should've used instead of ' I found the conversations to be believable, for the most part. I have never lived in a post apocalyptic world so I can't be sure. Action is always entertaining, but character development is essential and human interaction is just as captivating. Keep in mind that I am not a novelist and that my favorite genre is sci-fi/ fantasy, so I am biased towards (In favor) your story already. I like the digressions into Ian's thoughts as the conversation unfolds. As he is the protagonist, his thoughts should be more prevalent, but perhaps some of the other more active members of the clan could divulge their inner thoughts more often too. After so many months of living this way in this new world, have they adapted so thoroughly that they have no hopes, expectations or plans for a future? Do they get bored, frustrated? Are tensions always high or do they vacillate? Do they wonder how many humans are left and or if they want to bring any more into this world? Even if it means extinction if they don't. I find the adventure and action parts to be fun, but I ask myself these questions and found the interactions in this episode revealing, just not enough...yet. I like the idea of Ian getting paternal feelings and the potential for a 'it takes a village' aspect to raising and nurturing Emily and the other kids. As always, I like others, am looking forward to the next installment.
This bugs me, proper quotation marks (here's 20 of them that won't show up even though I typed them) can't be used on the site. When I copy and paste my episode into a new poem it shows the quotation marks, but somehow once submitted they are all changed to apostrophes. I've tried going back and editing it to show quotation marks... They simply don't appear in poems or comments. As far as the Windows into Ian's thoughts and lack thereof into others, I think since the story is told first person, adding another 'I' voice might complicate things, but, that said, it might be worth trying and could add depth to the other characters. Thanks for the feedback buddy
Thanks Bill, this one came easier than anticipated. I worried about the conversation aspect, whether I could keep each characters voice coherent and identifiable throughout the interaction. But once I started in, the chapter kind of wrote itself
Thank you very much sir. A work in progress still, but the feedback is certainly appreciated
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8/1/2025 9:47:35 PM # 1.0.0
Nothing lost in the pacing by character development. It is helpful. We, as reader, have to care. We have to try to predict. The entertainment level is still there. A little let down because no further on the undercurrent. But at least the disappointment is there so we do care. You are doing good.