Craig, I like the concept behind the poem. However, I don't get any sense of the rhythm animating the poem. If this is a formal poem, the meter has to be apparent. For instance, lines 12-13 have little to do with each other, rhythmically. Maybe read lots of good contemporary verse to improve? At the least, read the poem out loud and listen to how it sounds.
If you have time, check out my new website:
jeffersoncarterverse.com
Tell me how you like it, and, if you do, perhaps share it with interested friends? Thanks! Yrs, JC
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Craig, I like the concept behind the poem. However, I don't get any sense of the rhythm animating the poem. If this is a formal poem, the meter has to be apparent. For instance, lines 12-13 have little to do with each other, rhythmically. Maybe read lots of good contemporary verse to improve? At the least, read the poem out loud and listen to how it sounds. If you have time, check out my new website: jeffersoncarterverse.com Tell me how you like it, and, if you do, perhaps share it with interested friends? Thanks! Yrs, JC