The New Puritans Poem by David Welch

I was playing near a college town,
people pay money to hear my jokes,
when back-clad fools charged upon stage,
at first I thought it was a hoax.
Then they said my jokes about dating
were ‘Patriarchal Misogyny, '
everyone's good time was ruined
by those god damned NPCs.

A few days later, when ,
I posted about a new book
written by my favorite author,
figured that it was worth a look.
But outrage mobs went barking mad
over his fun in younger days,
what that had to do with his ideas
they did not bother to say.

The next week an actor friend of mine
told me he'd gone out with this girl,
she'd taken him home and the sex
had rocked his entire world.
But my friend had just broken big,
and feminists convinced his date
that she could ‘win one for the team, '
so she accused him of rape!

When he showed the texts she sent before,
some claim that he ‘hated women, '
as if being good means sitting back
and just watching your career end.
None care about his innocence,
the media still pimped her tale,
even if he were no rapist
he was guilty of being male.

Tired of all this crazed nonsense
I searched for my favorite pod-cast,
didn't always agree with the host,
but his interviews were a blast.
Yet the website had booted him,
they weren't fond of non-leftist thought,
to be popular with ‘outside' views
broke their Truth Council's latest laws.

Then came my dear cousin's wedding,
which my activist sister deplored,
she growled, "Marriage is such a lie,
they will know nothing but divorce.
It's always rape when with a woman
a sex-hungry man does lay,
some day she'll realize her mistake,
hopefully it will not be too late."

Realizing why we didn't talk,
I gratefully caught a jet home,
and saw they were building something
in the big lot next to my own.
It was a hideous, iron blob,
and when I pointed this fact out,
the architect screamed, "Philistine! "
then proceeded to holler and pout.

It was only two days later
when the local catholic high school
was told their team name, the ‘Crusaders, '
was insensitive and uncool.
Protestors showed up to bellow slurs,
and get all up in the kids' face,
the media scoffed and insulted
the children and their competing faith.

It was about this time that I
began to notice a trend,
these people all seemed to be leftist,
and were miserable to no end.
Their reactions weren't disagreements,
they were rabid cries of "Heresy! "
no longer could they understand
deviations from their beliefs.

And like every True Believer
they thought they were doing God's work,
their God was the state, above all else,
and all must now obey his words!
This all seemed very odd to me,
didn't they once preach tolerance?
And now they destroy the different,
how the hell does that make any sense?

How does a person go from free speech
to banning any words they don't like?
How do you scream "appropriation, "
when you once said, "Learn from that tribe? "
What comes next, a scarlet ‘R, '
to represent their favorite slur,
an ‘S' if you don't bow to women,
an ‘F' if you refuse their words?

Or maybe they'll give yellow stars
to all who refuse to comply,
making it easier to find us
when they decide that we should die.
I guess you can't be a democrat
ff you believe in freedom or fun,
don't you know they know what's best for you?
America's new Puritans.

...you know what, screw 'em! A feminist, a Muslim, and a bisexual midget walk into a bar...