Paradoxical Regrets Poem by Nika McGuin

I spent a lot of time
Wondering how you could
So easily, have left me behind

With a forced hand
I cut you off, ousted you
from my life

I never expected
You'd take it so well
Never once looking back
How do you do it?

Looking back is all I do….

As close as we were
Somehow, in the snap of a finger
We truly became strangers
You've become the face that
lingers distant in my dreams

I keep reminding myself
That you never cared, and I swear
it isn't for lack of intelligence
That this fact just won't sink in

A walking paradox
A breathing contradiction
Regretting and not regretting
That's my life now

And you, a book so hard to read
‘Till this day your stained pages
For me remain a mystery

Is it me who really used you?
In the end, was the weight just too much
When in loneliness I leaned on you?

Can I blame you for living in the present
Whilst I lied buried in the past?
Is it really your fault that I failed to notice,
Your refusal to join me in that
Nostalgic frame of mind?

Same old me, I'd rather make an excuse for you
Than to accept your blatant lack of empathy
I'd rather say "It was me; I was wrong."
I'd rather keep holding on
Why?

My heart's been torn
tossed in the lost and found
lost without you
I found myself

But I'm sad, you're gone
At times I'm lonesome too
Even though I know I am
Better off without you