The unction cools; the saving taper glows,
Dripping strands of sacramental brede.
The priest, his missal splayed like wings, bestows
The rite. The sliding bedside curtains cede
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My blood seems churned with fiction.. swallows its small fame and other phrases give this an immediacy and intensity that seems to me to lift it above the revised version... I found myself holding my breath by the end of line 8..
Out, out brief candle? Your poem is like watching a spider build its web in the evening light. Spell binding and natural.
Seems we've lost quotation marks on this site now...