On The Rocks: Scots Poem by Sheena Blackhall

The Buik that gaed tae Space
I'm the buik that gaed intae space.
Nae the Dandy or the Beano
Nae Trainspottin or Sunset Sang
Nae The Dear Green Place
Na. I'm the buik that crosses aa ages
I cairry Burns's wirk atween ma pages

Fur twa wikks I orbited the Eirde
Twa hunner an seeventeen times
Sic a birlin-aboot tirrivee
Fair jurmummled the great bard's rhymes

Noo that I'm hame an sattled
It's time tae takk stock
I miss the meen, as close as lugs tae a heid
An the lunar scene frae the windae
As the muckle yetts opened tae dock!

Haud the bus! Thon wis a stammygaster!
A deid, dour, dowie, disjaskit stoory baa
This desert that inspired sic imaginins
Queen o the Druids, fa gart the gyte roar in their staas
Fa kittled the hochs o luvers,
Camin throw the rye, hairst happenins
Fa pued the tides, an ruled the warld's oceans
This grey, cauld satellite o lunar commotions

An far is Aitken Drum? ,
Far's Wee Willie Winkie?
Far's the Buddhist rubbit?
Far's the werewolves an vampires
Up tae their murderous jinkies?

Aa tummlit doon like a biggit touer o cairds
Meen, that wis the dearie o priests an bards

Still, masel, (His buik that thoosans o miles
Up in the lift has furled)
The keeper o Burns's poems
Hae bin truly ooto this warld

Beat thon, mannie Shakespeare
Ye've niver reached the stars
Niver seen the meen as a stop on a cultural tour
Neist appearance Mars


I am the knowe caad Morven
I am the knowe caad Morven
Nae a Munro, jist a Corbett
I dinna get abeen masel

Some reeze oot Kilimanjaro,
Ben Nevis, or Annapurna 1
I dinna gee ma ginger

Nae me. I'm the knowe caad Morven
I'm roon tapped an heathery
I hae a gran view o Lochnagar an Cromar
I luik doon on Groddie, Blelack, an Tarland
Ma sides are steep an girssy
The win wheeps roon ma heid

Lord Byron reezes me oot in a poem,
In Gaelic they caa me A' Mhòr Bheinn

I'm nae fantoosh
Nae hingin cliffs or jaa-drappin crevasses

Aince, Queen Victoria trotted up ma sides
The dunt o the puir shelt's hooves
Drave in like pikes aneth the Royal wecht
I wisnae amused

Hikers' buits scrape oot wee pathies on ma braes
Guns blooter bawds tae smithereens
Apairt frae the human veesitors,
I like it here.
Yowes, deer, ptarmigan, grouse
Ernes an buzzards, they're aye walcam here

Ma ainers micht cheenge hauns
Bit I'm nae fur flittin
Humans? I'll ootlive ye aa

Threids, claith, needle
Ma grunny hid skeely hauns
Ilkie evenin the shewin cam oot
Roon her thrapple a mournin band
Roon her fingers the linen cloot

Threids o siller an blue
Gowans wi emerant leaf
The stob o the needle, true
Pricked the tablecloot's relief

Whyles twis her crochet hyeuk
She'd ply wi a speed uncanny
In her seat bi the ingleneuk
An eident wife wis granny

At darnin, nane could best her
She could wyve upon fower preens
An whyles there'd be kecklin an lauchter
Sae deep twid near brakk yer beens

Ma grunny hid wyes o her ane
Gentle, nae grace did she lack
Stem stitch, split stitch, chain
Ae stroke, an her warld turned black


The Elphinstane Institute

Fit wirkshops has it hosted, the Elphinstane Institute?

Diddlin an sang screivin, Jew's harp an speen playin
Ferm cookin, strae wirk, wi beadwork an spinnin
Peintin gay caravans, crotchetin, wyvin
Dressin a Clydesdale, herbal cures, wid turnin

Makkin Petery Dicks, futtlin, warm Gansey knittin,
Makkin a creepie, an dry stane dykin
Basket, sporran makkin, traditional boat biggin
Farrier wirk, corn dallies, fussle playin

Fit are the Elphinstane Institute's theses?

The lanscape an myndins o heich Bennachie
Shamanism the airt o the richt unca fey
Leith haa's guided tours, the reid telephone box
The hen pairty, daunce tae the present day

Fowk faith an fear in the fishin community
New Pitsligo lacemakkin sclimmin Ben Macdui
Fintry an Kinker. Twa kintra schules' studies
The auld ship o Zion, (sangs that gie hymns laldy)

Music played noo in funeral practices
Makkin the fiddle sing, sharin a melody
Plants, corn, rituals, pagans an witches
An opera, titled Mill o Tifty's Annie

Lullabies, tattoos, an fairgrun faimlies
Nigerian foodwyes, Poles, the curry ceilidh
North sea quines affshore, the Dons fitbaa club
The mart, meetins wi ghaists, Lonach ongauns an fusky

Miriam's dothers an burnin the Clavie
Doric spikk that's haundit doon throw the faimly
Alex Green. Bairn play in Banffshire's Glenlivet
An mair that's the heirskip fur posterity

Far is its ootreach, the Elphinstane Institute?

Festivals, conferences, Elphinstane Kist
Newsletters postit, recordin, performin
The Cullerlie Traditional Singin Wikkeyn,
Wi the Toulmin Prize tae inspire Nor-East screivin,

The North Atlantic Fiddle Convention
Education in Banff an the Doric Boord darg
The digitisation o the Carpenter gaitherin
Washington's Mall, fur baith singer an bard

Fa are the ghaist o the Elphinstane Institute?

The ghaists o the past, Dauvits Buchan & Murison,
Porter, Nicolaisen, Colin Milton as weel
Stanley Robertson, tale-teller, prince amang traivellers,
Aa plooed a straicht rig, in the Institute's dreel

Fa cairries things forrit in the Elphinstane's Institute?

Ian Russell, fa haundit the torch tae Mckean
Wilkins, Le Bigre, Hall wi umpteen ithers
The secretar, Alison, students an staff
An the fowk o the North East, oor colleagues an brithers

We Three Men: Tune We Three Kings of Orient Are
We three men hae traivelled afar
Twa on a bike an ane in a car
Uber-eats we bring ye treats
Oor service is five star

Chorus:
Pizza pie or chilli wraps
Chukken nuggets or Big Macs
Deliveroo brings chips fur you
Simple! Jist doonload the apps

Xmas shoppin ooto the gale
e-bay, online, Royal mail
gouns in satin, nae mair parkin
in the Black Friday sale

Chorus

There's the bell, arrived wi yer toast
Asda van delivers the roast
Nae mair humphin spuds an dumplin
Aa fur a decent cost

Chorus

Dinna try tae drive intae toun
Cameras snap, they watch aa aroon
OAPs wi jittery knees
Maun flag a taxi doon
Chorus

The xmas market's fine if yer flush
Queues are lang if yer in a rush
Weather's freezin aabodies sneezin
It's the time o sleet an slush

Chorus


God rest ye Xmas shoppers
God rest ye xmas shoppers
The tills will ring aa day
And Marks & Spensers coffers
Will lead you aa astray
Wi sales o skirly an plum duff
In affa posh display

Chorus
Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy
Buy-aa buy
Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy

An fin yer at the cash line
Ye'll hear the littlins cry
Mair cola crisps an chocolate
They howl they stamp they sigh
The bins are stappt, the presents wrapped
Yer debt is noo sky high

Chorus
Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy
Buy-aa buy
Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy


Get doon tae Asda's shoppie
An grab yersel a gnome
At Lidyl an at Aldi
Yer in the festive zone
Makk sure tae purchase Rennies
An mind tae charge yer phone

Chorus
Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy
Buy-aa buy
Oh the shops are invitin ye tae buy