Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Noon Comments

Rating: 2.8

Its noon, its noon
Sitting outside, a gentle breeze
Followed with a touching smell
Continues on and on
...
Read full text

Rohan Nambiar
COMMENTS
Stephanie Paul 17 August 2008

it is half way therel, the images you use are really human and touching but your poem lacks some poetic impact. Think about trying to give it a rythem or some half rhyme just to give it a poetic feel. There is a lot you could do with this poem because it is a very relatable image but just work on building a poem round your words. xx keep up the good start xx

0 0 Reply
Chitra - 03 August 2008

some fine imagery used which completes the picture that you are trying to fuse with your poetic words nice one

0 0 Reply
Ency Bearis 31 July 2008

in your place you probably describe at noon time regularly...I am hungry.. my stomach need to be fed...it's natural...is that the point you want?

0 0 Reply
Donna Lee Lee-womack 15 July 2008

I thought some words could have been added or deleted. 'cooker'? ? But overall, it was inviting to come to that persons house or neighborhood around noon. Also a picture story was behind it.

0 0 Reply
Eric Lester 14 July 2008

Perhaps you meant 'cooking, ' rather than 'cooker? ' 'sweating' heat, rather than 'swearing heat? ' - although that might be an interesting usage. And, I'm guessing, 'drained, ' rather than 'drain? ' Keep at it, Rohan. A good suggestion I have heard: read lots of poetry, classical and modern. See how the masters get that blend of image, metaphor, symbol, and make a blend as tasty as that lunch you describe. Best wishes!

0 0 Reply
Greenwolfe 1962 17 June 2008

I assume you are describing noon around where you live. This is interesting from a cultural standpoint, but a reader of poems wants something more of substance here. The purpose of this writing is missing. The message is missing. The why, is missing. That's a lot. Beyond that, there is little to comment on except that I got hungry. GW62

0 0 Reply
Serenity Prayer 17 June 2008

i like it. excellent. good job.

0 0 Reply
Sandra Osborne 16 June 2008

Nice, I thought this very good but was left a little wantting at the end. Some very nice imagies and good choice of words too. I think this could be longer with othervignettes of noon. Nice work.

0 0 Reply
PERSIAN NIGHTINGALE 14 June 2008

lovely poem........10

0 0 Reply
(: God's Wild Child :) 14 June 2008

i llike it. good job on making ur senses come to life in this poem good job.

0 0 Reply
Rema Prasanna 13 June 2008

Noon in effortless words and a good feeling it induce... Well described and a good write..

0 0 Reply
Rajaram Ramachandran 11 June 2008

You have created a beautiful picture of the noon time. Your writing is simple and touching.

0 0 Reply
Rohan Nambiar

Rohan Nambiar

Thalassery
Close
Error Success