In the kitchen, being a houseboy, trying to finish before dad comes home,
Then in the corners of my eyes I spotted an adventure through my front windows,
Young female residents that lived right across the road,
Outside was nice and sunny so they were in lesser and tighter clothes.
...
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Wow, the self loathing and internal degradation is paramount. If you don't find the source of the trauma that drives you to identity suffocation, this will echo your entire life. Listen to wisdom: you become what you hate. It's a universal truth. May I suggest James Baldwin & H.D. Thoreau, with the utmost sincerity. Trying to be good, is a self identification that you are really evil. Do you really believe that?