I Don't Like What Normal Is Poem by Cal Riley

If this is what normal is,
I don't like it, not one bit
Outside of myself I see so much beauty
The mundane looks like a holiday
An escape from my reality
One I sporadically feel myself slip away from
I catch myself occasionally too,
Fix my crown and match stick that curve in my lips where my innocence once smiled,
Only to realize, I don't like what normal is
In principle I want everyone else's
In reality i have mine
Healthy compared to my contemporaries,
I couldn't be further from that to the rest
Enough to bring good love into orbit,
Insufficient in my ability to give good love back
I've learned what it looks like, I've felt and given it freely to the right person
I've only experienced one right person in my life.
By the time we met it was much too late for me
I had my chance, I couldn't protect it
Im tangled in an inability of doing the work to heal, wanting and doing aren't the same
I can't love you if it hurts
I can't take backwards steps
Yesterday tore through me
I can't move forwards either
I'v been conditioned from an early age to expect pain
Staying stagnant where I am, is the safest place for those I love, I'll hurt you with my absence only til I've been replaced
One new normal please, where peace takes precedence, and self-love exists freely
Where forgiveness runs free and patience is never ending
Understanding can be more than just a word without definition and independence can be found without the need for isolation
Support is just support and not an ambush for a war that's coming
That all sounds normal to me
Why do i struggle now, like I've never before