Henrietta The Fifth And The Brexit Poem by Paolo Giuseppe Mazzarello

Scene I London
ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY The Queen trusts her Minister Sir Thomas Erpingham.
BISHOP OF ELY More than this, she trusts the Almighty.
CANTERBURY Sometimes Erpingham was incontinent; but studied at the best schools and attended to liberal arts.
ELY As the strawberry grows under the nettle, so wholesome English berries ripened best neighboured by European fruits of worse type.
CANTERBURY Even though there was no deal, United Kingdom can leave European Union, but France opposes it.
EARL OF WESTMORELAND "If that you will France win, then with Scotland first begin.2 Now Scots would like a second referendum, but it sounds impossible. They won't leave UK and, together with it, will leave EU.
HENRIETTA V We've resolved and, by God's help, and people, will have all our lands again. Sir Thomas will leadour Army in Europe.
AMBASSADOR OF EU EU is sending Your Highness this coffer of euro coins, but you should give up claiming Brexit.
HENRIETTA V Exeter, check the contents of this coffer.
DUKE OF EXETER There are tennis-balls, My Sovereign!
ERPINGHAM I shall serve My Queen whatever it takes.
HENRIETTA V Now let's pay attention to the Eternal Father and, after, to the Europe.
CHORUS Someone corrupted three fellows that should kill Sir Thomas in Southampton, before he moves to Europe.
DUKE OF BEDFORD Police has just tap their telephones and so their plot has been foiled.
MISTRESS QUICKLY (HOSTESS)Here in London, Sir John Falstaff is just dead. He conscripted who was ready to die in battle that year and to be quit for the next, wise man. Go thy ways to the Heaven, old Jack.
Scene II Paris
DAUPHIN British Army is arriving: they want their Brexit and are getting into trouble.
KING OF FRANCE Crénom! Here's their commander in chief for our meeting.
(Enter Erpingham. He sits down, sets his feet on the the small table. He don't wonder whether guiltshand down from fathers to sons.)
Scene III Field of battle
ERPINGHAM (to his soldiers)Let's attack our task.
BOY (to the audience)Some of us hits the bottle but, in these parts, others also do the same thing, worse too. After all, this is the eve of Halloween day too.
ERPINGHAM (to his soldiers again)Do you want to surrender just on the eve of the thirty first of October?
BOY (to the audience again)In Calais I saw rotten stuff and, sooner or later, somebody will have to attend to it.
KING OF FRANCE (to his soldiers)Stop the British! The Queen of Germany is together with us. For us, she infringed the the Salic law. ["In Salic land no woman will succeed to the throne."]
ERPINHAM At war spare the civilians: they already paid so many taxes...
CONSTABLE OF FRANCE The British can come back and remain in EU. They can't bring the Irish border into force again: in this case we want the backstop.
(In the night before the battle, Europeans play video games, the British pray the Eternal Father.)
DAUPHIN We are losing the battle. Last night we wasted our time with video games.
EXETER What's the name of this castle that stands hard by?
MONT JOY (A FRENCH HARALD)They call it Brussels.
ERPINGHAM Then this is the battle of Brussels, fought the day of of Saint Quintin. Thank God, we've defeated all the EU Nations in battle.
PISTOL (looking at his smartphone)My wife Quickly is just dead even though, only for my good marriage, I was a remainer.
ERPINGHAM (to the Queen of France)Marry your daughter Katherine to me We won't quarrel any more. (To Katherine)I became soldier for you. Would you like to get married with me?
KATHERINE Je ne suis pas citoyenne Anglaise, je ne connais pas bien votre language...
AMBASSADOR OF EU EU postponed Brexit until the next thirty first of January.
(Sennet. Exeunt)
(Enter Chorus)
CHORUS Stop! Mr Shakespeare also would grow bored.
(Exit)