Granite Comments

At points this poem flows well but it is interrupted by forced rhymes. Instead of forcing the rhyming couplets, this poem may have done better with more breathing room in the form. Write it how it comes out-this poem suffered because of how you tried to shoehorn your ideas into a form they really didn't fit too well. It also feels like you are trying to make a point but you just never get there. I feel a metaphor tugging at me, but it's been almost ten read-throughs now and I don't see it. These two lines are the best in the poem and could be the focal point of a reworking of this poem.: 'Why won't it change? Is it written on stone? Shaped into granite, etched out in bone? '

Great use of words and very cleverly done.