God's Angel Comments

You have a great idea and the sequence of your 'story' is logical, and the flow is rational - not 'jumping' from one thought to another. However, as I mentioned before, you can make it more creative by adding more vivid words and a little suspense. A catchy closing line could also make it memorable, like the style of Dorothy Parker. David Lewis Paget writes very engaging narratives, and you could view his examples and get learn some important tips while reading his poems.