Flying With You Comments

This is not as well as the first one i read, but its very good: ]

heya, newbie, always good to see a new poet start writing. Yeah, this is a very sweet poem and your girlfriend should feel really flattered. I particularly like the first two lines of your poem, as that's a nice sentiment and you've put it well.Though you could consider rephrasing it slightly to 'I close my eyes and smile/ knowing you will be there to see.' It just cuts a couple of unnecessary words and tightens the sentence, making it flow a little better if you ask me. But i will leave it up to your judgement. I would reconsider the term 'laugh of love', as to me it sounds a little over the top and too abstract to say much. Perhaps 'laugh of joy' instead? I think you have a good flow to your first half of the poem, which is something a lot of writers struggle with, but you do it well, so well done! Though some of the second half could use tightening, the dove line for instance is a little too long, especially since it succeeds a very short line.Perhaps you could cut down some of the words? But judging line length and gaining a feel for rhythm is something that comes with practice and from reading other poets. Extremely romantic and you have some good material here: -)

Arrrr the pirate is getting a lil air sick..as soon as i get over it I'll give this poem another read.