Fighting For My Place In Life Poem by Sarah Mkhonza

I hear a muffled curse,
It comes from behind my ears,
As if someone is looking,
Through the lobes of my ears and sneering,
For fighting for my place in life,
Is not something that they want,
Me to keep doing as I go,
Back and forth on this swing,
This see-saw this trial,
That throws me up and down,
Forever breathing and unsure,
If my guts will be inside me,
When the next push forward comes,
Leaving me at a level high up,
Holding on with one hand hanging in,
Then letting go and flying to a fall,
That makes me keep this going,
For I was born fighting for my place in life.
Even as I pick and dust myself up.



The sniffing after struggles,
Stifling all my muffled cries,
As I fumble and tumble,
And end up on my feet,
Against bodies of lovers,
Who have left me wondering,
If they wanted me to get into,
This fight for my place in life,
Or just claim we were together,
When the fight got tougher,
For that is what it is right now.


Do you hear the words that were said,
Let me tell you what I heard,
They were caresses and cuddles
Followed by curses and callings,
Sometimes banging of doors with muffled sounds,
That cannot be heard even by this,
So called object on which we speak,
As I tell the past for what it was
When I did this which I now call
Fighting for my place in life.


There were doors I woke up to open
With questions inside my head,
Where is the key to this door, I asked,
My sword has been locked in with its scabbard,
Like a warrior of old I swerved,
Against winds that hit me in the face,
And drew water out of my nose, eyes and mouth,
Leaving my ears hearing sounds I dreamt of,
In the sleep walking of the time,
Near imaginary shores of sandy and gritty hate
Whose pebbles I crushed when I ran,
As took a step and reached for the door
On this wicked deed that had to be done
In this that I now call a big fight for my place in life.

I hear a clashing of swords as I lift,
As I swing into step with another,
My right hand arm lifting and pointing,
To the one who is nearest in this battle,
For I want to win the war yes I do,
For I did not come to love only, but to live and work,
And fight for this place I sit on,
For if I do not someone will take it,
Like they took a heart I had my all vested in.

I know what it is like to go incognito,
To come to a road with an end that walks in,
And speaks that it is shut just to me,
When the hinges were squeaking just now,
When my hand was reaching out to open,
That very heart that beat to my name,
And jumped about as if it would soon,
Pop out and seat in my hand.

Fighting for my place in this life,
Is not new to me for no one said welcome,
When I arrived and sat on a lap so muscular,
And touched a face so bearded with the back of my hand,
And was held so close life sang out of me,
In peals of laughter that could wake a sleeping cat,
And make it purr just next to us.

Nobody says goodbyes are easy,
When you have fought and lost the battle,
And then realized you were deluded,
To be fighting a non existent scuffle,
That was created with teasing,
And laughing and chatting,
Yet ended in a real outbreak,
Of words that go out like a disease,
So contagious you just need to touch,
The source and hurt forever.

Keep up the fight if you want,
Fight for time does not wait,
These voices keep telling me these rules,
They call them rules of the game,
That we must follow or lose,
Whenever we enter this place of giving,
Where only takers survive in their game,
When we all fight for our own place,
In this thing called living.

I have vowed to keep struggling with words,
Trying to call it what it is,
For if I stop I will regret,
Not trying is not winning,
And losing before you start,
Was never a way to do things,
Just know it was a battle you entered,
And not let go or hang on loosely,
For like a swing that you do not hold,
With both hands you get flung,
Way out there where no movements call you back,
To swing you back with peals of laughter,
From the pusher who now waits on another,
Swing with another fighter for their life,
Who did a better job than you.