Saturday, December 27, 2008

Ending Comments

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I put the pen to the paper and begin to write
I scratch it all out, then I turn out the light
I have to make a difference, a change
Or my life could easily arrange
...
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Victoria Ayres
COMMENTS
Brandon Owens 06 May 2010

The Rhythm changes at the line 'Or my life could easily arrange', and rhythm changes aren't necessarily a bad thing, but in this case I think it could be done smoother. It could be as simple as changing the next lines to 'To have me removed/I haven't approved.' I'm not saying you should, but just keep it in mind. The flow of the concept of the poem is just as important as the flow of the words too. So in this case I'm not sure if you're talking about suicide, or if you're just recognizing your own mortality...but I could be looking into it too much.

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Victoria Ayres

Victoria Ayres

Norfolk VA
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