Sunday, September 16, 2018

Carpark Comments

Rating: 4.5

In the gravel carpark are seven cars without colour
One is grey, two is dark grey, three is light grey, one is fawn grey
Only in black, and then dark blue- black
But what is this?
...
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Michael Mc Dermott
COMMENTS
michael 17 September 2018

hello again Bill, I was trying to make it lopsided to create unease/confusion and then, resolution. Thanks for your comments

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Bill Wright 17 September 2018

Not too sure about this one. The third line is a bit long compared to the others. If you shortened it by taking out the numbers perhaps just saying grey, dark grey, light grey and fawn grey it would give it a bit more impact.

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michael 17 September 2018

hi Bill, I was trying to make it lopsided to cause unease/confusion and then resolution. thanks for the comments.

0 0
Jazib Kamalvi 16 September 2018

A good start with a nice poem, Michael Mc. You may like to read my poem, Love And Iust. Thank you.

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