Bob The Talking Blanding's Turtle (Or, Who Put Mushrooms On The Pizza?) Poem by D.N. Rebb

Was walking home from the party
The sun was already coming up
Decided on taking a short cut
Around a neighboring pond
"Good Morning" I heard someone say
Looked about, but there was no one there
"Down here, idiot" a faint voice uttered
At first I thought someone fell in the water
I could only see a little turtle
Between the green lily leaves
Its tiny head staring up at me
"Are you talking to me? " I asked
"Yes, Einstein. There's no one else around"
"But you're just a common turtle,
Everyone knows turtles can't talk"
"First off, a**hole, I ain't no COMMON turtle,
Name's Bob and I'm a distinguished Blanding's Turtle.
And why does everyone always assume we can't talk? "
"You mean, you have talked to others as well? "
"Well, off course, douchebag. Think you're so special? "
"Why are you being so rude to me? "
"Look, jerkface, when you get as old as me,
And learn English from YOUR common kind,
You'd understand. Hee, hee, hee. I'm just f**king with ya.
Come on, try it. Call me something derogative"
And here I was, talking to a turtle
Trying to find something mean to say about him
"Okay, you loathsome reptile! "
"Really, that's all you got? "
"You b*stard, born in an egg. Don't even know who your father was"
"Oh man; that's low! "
"Sorry. You said to …."
"Just sh*tting with ya! That's great; give me more! "
"Green scumbag! Hard shell wanker! Chickensh*t for brains! Scuzzbucket! "
"Wait, wait wait. What's a scuzzbucket? "
"I don't know. Someone who's unpleasant, repulsive? "
"Perfect; from here on in I'll be known as Scuzzbucket Blanding!
Anyway, Human; I can't stay here and chat with you all day
I've got fish to hunt down.
All this laughter's got me a bit hungry
We'll see you again sometime
Hey wait, human, I don't even know your name? "
"Oh sorry, it's ….."
"F*ck, you must be a g*ddamn Canadian human,
Always apologizing
Sorry, Sorry, Sorry!
It's kinda annoying
If I'm now known as Scuzzbucket,
You will now be Noodgy Dork! Don't ask!
Take care, Noodgy! "
"Okay, take care, Scuzzy! "
Couldn't wait to tell the boys about this one