Beauty Queen Poem by Mary Champion

Down home they have a contest for the plainest girl in town
And every year it's certain that I'm gonna win' hands down.
It's such an awful pity,
I rather would be pretty.
But when you're winnin' money it can ease the ol' heartbreak.
My face is kinda homely and it's crazy how I'm shaped.
But when I'm walkin' out alone, at least I don't git raped.
Nobody's interested,
So I don't git molested.
But if I could be pretty, that's one chance I'd surely take,

I caked my face with make-up and I padded out my bra.
I wore my girdle much too tight- looked like a movie star.
My perfume was mind-blowin',
Designed to get men goin'.
Then I went out to find myself some poor, misguided youth.
I took him to a bar-room, where smoke hung thick and blue,
Lit by one 5-watt light bulb, which sure improved the view.
I plied him with neat whiskey
Till he was feelin' frisky.
But when we got back to my place, he learned the awful truth.

I sometimes get embarrassed, cos I cain't get a man.
The only ones I ever chased took to their heels and ran.
I asked one guy to date me;
He said, ‘Lady you must hate me! '
And then he started laughin' and you shoulda seen me blush.
So now, when I'm asked questions ‘bout why I'm all alone,
Or girls start reminiscin' ‘bout guys that they have known,
When they say to me, ‘Tell us
About your lovin' fellas.'
I say, ‘I had so many; they got trampled in the rush.'