Back From The Dead (The Incredible Escapades Of John Darwin: The Canoe Man) Poem by DM W

In the old, crumpled town of Hartlepool:
A place that's filled with its fair share of fools:
From Andy Capp, monkey mayor & mad knaves,
To dull ape men still grunting in their caves,
There lived a con man: name of John Darwin.
Who was last seen frantically paddling
Out to sea in an old, battered canoe.
Then soon reported missing on the local news.
This seemed serious not the usual twaddle.
For the very next day a double edged paddle,
Was discovered among some rocks nearby.
A dark shadow was cast over the Seaton skies.
A week later came the rest of the wreck.
But no news of the man who was in debt.
Mr John Darwin was nowhere to be found.
" Presumed dead", but the truth had sneaked out of bounds.
Right under the noses of careless police inspectors,
The canoe man was headed in another direction.
For wily John had simply moved to sunny Panama;
Using a false name he found in a local graveyard.
Meanwhile his vile wife claimed on his life insurance,
For a tidy sum in excess of ten thousand.
Unbelievably, canoe man returned
To his abode in monkey hanger land,
And he now lived in an adjacent flat,
Behind a wardrobe with a false back.
Why he'd even walk the streets in a dodgy disguise
With woolly hat & beard; but was spotted despite the lie.
" Aren't you supposed to be dead? "
One rather astonished local said.
" Shush...don't tell anyone." whispered John,
As he feebly pretended to limp along.
Then back to Panama he fled,
This crude faker of his own death.
Years went by; but he began to worry.
The spies were out; he though he'd been seen:
Courtesy of a picture that had
Been carelessly posted on the Internet.
But devious John had one more trick up his sleeve,
And what he did next is difficult to believe.
He returned to London to a police station
And boldly declared himself a ' missing' person.
Crossing his fingers, he said that he
Was suffering badly from amnesia
And had no memory of the past five years;
Didn't know who he was, why or where?
Perhaps you can guess what happened next
In this far fetched but sadly true story
Of back stabbing, lengthy jail sentences,
Public mirth and private misery aplenty.
To us it's just another chapter in our town's
Preposterous legacy: John Darwin
The canoe man: international celebrity!