Friday, November 11, 2011

An Inevitable Reunion Comments

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The time I will wait to with you, be reunited,
Only adds to all the moments I have waited, so excited!
Knowing the passion for one another will be instantaneously ignited!
At the moment when my eyes and yours are united!
...
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adam quinones
COMMENTS
Mr. Fridge 21 November 2011

You are definitely laying your heart out on paper. A little tweaking will go a long way. You'll need a little editing on this one. 'I will wait to with you' just isn't English. Maybe 'I will wait to be with you, reunited.' You've got some other areas you need some grammar help. Your efforts to rhyme force you to make some awkward word choices. You could use a little more imagery. Too much telling us how you feel and not enough showing us what it's like to feel that way.

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