Saturday, October 24, 2009

A Happy Deadman. Comments

Rating: 4.3

Just now I'm told that I’m alive
Only now I know that I also have a life
Oh! How beautiful it’s to laugh
But I don’t even remember the last time when i laughed
...
Read full text

Chitresh Jhawar
COMMENTS
Aditi Khandelwal 14 December 2012

This is a nice poem but it is very sad..... Beautiful poem. Aditi

0 0 Reply
Kaitlyn Brock 18 November 2011

Its kinda sad but still really awsome i love it

0 0 Reply
Shadow Girl 03 July 2011

beautiful wriring - who needs structure when you are writing from the heart....our soul cannot be organised. The best writing comes straight from the soul to the page without any theasorus' to edit it. SG

0 0 Reply
Sally Plumb Plumb 01 April 2011

Interesting write. Try 'A Humorous Death' when you have a spare minute. Thanks!

0 0 Reply
Snehal Bhosale 10 August 2010

A beautiful composition.It is one of my favorites from now onwards. I won't do the grammar correction.But tell me why most of your poems are sad.Do they depict your life.?

0 0 Reply
Juan Olivarez 22 May 2010

Chitresh, you have absolutely the right idea about poetry. My suggestions are that you get yourself a good Webster and use it till it falls apart. Good grammer is absolutely essential. Decide whether you want to be lyricist or a free verse writer. If the latter, rhyming will not be that important to you. Keep on chunking. God bless, Juan.

0 0 Reply
Pradyumna Jyotir 05 May 2010

Loved the title...loved the idea even more....but as Catherine says there's some room for improvement....That means you can grow....just imagine if someone says it is perfect....then that itself thwarts growth....even I keep learning every moment of my day....just see my older poems and compare them with my more recent ones...you will understand....god bless you! ! ! and please do keep writing! ! !

0 0 Reply
Lady KrimZen 26 December 2009

This is a good poem; I will give you that. It would be nice, however, to see you maybe add some sort of stanza structure to the poem. Would make it much easier to read and more presenting to the eye. The Stanzas will also aid in letting the poet know that you are addressing a different idea too. Another point I would like to raise, is about the repetition of certain words. I think, you should maybe try to use different words in some areas of your poem. Maybe consult a Thesaurus and look up words that have a similar meaning to some of the more common words you have used. (Example: Remember could be changed to recall; or you could say reminiscent or nostalgia - just to name a few off the top of my head) I know poetry is about keeping an idea as simplistic as possible; but using some fancy words now and again, can give both the poem and the poet a sense of maturity. Also, careful with your contractions. 'How beautiful it’s to laugh', should be 'How beautiful it is to laugh' I am not too sure about the final three lines of the poem. Not sure if it how I am reading it, but it does not sound right. 'I’ve the ability to live on my own I’m a living-dead but now at least I can laugh On myself and the living men who naff.' I do not know what you think, but this (to me) sounds right: 'I have the ability to live on my own. I am the living-dead; but now, I can laugh About myself, and the living men who naff.' To sum things up, I like how you have approached the poem through First Person perspective. This gives the audience a sense of empathy for the persona when they read this poem. In conclusion, it is a good poem and I did enjoy reading and writing a critique for this poem. You will find as you grow older, and in combination with the more you write, you will mature not only physically and emotional as a poet; but your poetry will mature both physically and emotionally too (metaphorically of course) . And I say that from personal experience as a teenage poet myself. Let the poem you write now, be the building blocks for the more mature poems you write in the future; and never look down on yourself if you write a bad poem or two now and again. Learn from your mistakes and advance further with the basics. PS: Sorry for the long comment. I have a tendency to get a little too carried away with advanced critiques.

0 0 Reply
Sherri Coulter 24 December 2009

Leslie is right....not funny.......painfully profound...........therefore 10+

0 0 Reply
Tricia Dildine 24 December 2009

wow! that's deep man! i like it!

0 0 Reply
Almedia Knight-Oliver 21 December 2009

A profound poem...Its difficult to laugh when you feel like you're always being laughed at.

0 0 Reply
Aashka Thakkar 19 December 2009

too deep.thanks 4 making us understand

0 0 Reply
The Lost.. 25 November 2009

OH, too hard but wonderful...me too i wanna know how to smile...: d

0 0 Reply
Luwi Habte 18 November 2009

Mr Happy dead men this is nice piece life goes on as it never ends so keep on surviving till the end luwi

0 0 Reply
Aleksandra Lachut 16 November 2009

I totally agree with the first comment but I really liked the poem

0 0 Reply
Eyan Desir 04 November 2009

this is not funny... we must make our selves happy.... life is sweet

0 0 Reply
Chitresh Jhawar

Chitresh Jhawar

Lost in a lost place
Close
Error Success