A Halfway Here Story Poem by Calle Hutch

This was a journal entry from my 15 or 16 year old self that I am just now confident enough to post 4 years later. It's called A Halfway Here Story because I was struggling with dissociation and depersonalization at the time, feeling only halfway here. I wrote it all in one take so it's straight from the heart haha😂 This describes some of my experiences feeling left out by my cousins, people who I thought would always be there for me, and at this point in my life it felt like they were all I had. I was constantly changing myself to try and fit in, but no matter what I did if felt like they still saw me the same way. Being the younger sibling to a sister on the spectrum played a big role in forming beliefs about myself, and especially in the dynamics with my extended family. My whole life she has basically done everything in her power to leave me out. I know now that it isn't personal, I'm just her annoying little sis, but seeing my cousin involve her younger sister in everything, who was my age and my friend, along with my sister was pretty hard, and left me feeling less than. After years of feeling like this, I was finally able to come to terms with it, and writing this journal/poem was a big part of that. Maybe someone can relate :) To be fair, most of these things I wrote weren't actually said to me, but it's how they made me feel time and time again, so this was me trying to piece together, all those years, why I wasn't good enough for them.]