A Cool Night In October Poem by Blaire White

I opened the door to my bedroom
With a kitchen knife in one hand
All my calls had been denied
Nobody cares to understand

I sat down on my bed
Knife on my pillow and headphones plugged into my ears
Bedroom door locked
My eyes starting to fill with tears

Angry songs riding up inside me
Any moment now
I will snap.
Any moment now it will be over
My life
Over
Just like that

I'll carve words into my skin
As hard as i'll let myself carve

I'm just tired of them getting mad
I'm tired of it all making me sad
I just want to be enough
Blood dripping down my hands
Am I enough?
Am i worth the pain?
Wont i be enough when im dead?
Wont i be enough when i am not another dread?

Hopefully they'd all forget
In the morning
When im dead
When im in a pool of my own blood
On the floor
In my bed

Somewhere lifeless feeling nothing
Thats what you wanted right?
Thats what you wanted?
Its what i needed to survive
I use to say
"I'd sell my whole body i think"
just to survive
But i dont think i will
I dont think my soul wants to revive
Start my shattered window up again
Into some beautiful piece of art
I'm just so tired baby I'm sorry
I don't want to feel this aching pain in my heart

Im a bird who will never fly
I'd rather touch a fan then the beautiful night sky
I think tonight is the night
I think tonight i die

I grab my kitchen knife with my hurting shredded hand
No one saw the warning signs
I don't deserve for my story to expand

I hold it close to my thigh
Already cut and bruised
I get my hand into ready position
Is this really what i want to do?