Mary X

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I have only one poem to post.)

The Best Poem Of Mary X

To Charlotte, From T (A Long Overdue Message)

I came across a bunch of letters and photos the other day;
you were, inevitably,
there.
In fact, you've been there -
present in the haze of your absence -
for years.

But it made me think,
really wrap my head around it,
(although it is obviously impossible to properly try and think such a thing)
that it wasn't you I loved;
it was the fact of your existence,
that in the contingent chaos of circumstance,
of all the opportunities that you'd not be,
you'd form.
Your father and mother would have you
in exactly the way you are (were) .
No,
it is not you I loved (and still love) :
it is the very essence of your being that I loved,
every fibre of your very existence, your being.

And here, after these many years,
after my life lived, here,
I come across your letters, so filled with naïve and open love,
bursting excited with teenage energy,
so honest and full,
so
…
and photos, dated by unseen years;
and years and years
it's been.

And there a prang,
a glimmer of what you had back then for me,
of total love, lighting me up,
my 15 year delayed return of absolute love for you,
(although you are now a spectral figure for me) ,
no… not for you,
not for who or what you are,
that you are,
that you have come forth to make your mark on the Earth.

And I am left to try and make peace with the mark I leave and have left,
that I left on you,
that I left without you…
and gave up so easily -
without expressly saying -
the indelible mark you left on me,
which I still have and cherish.

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