Activities of Lisa Knipe

Its 20 years next year since we lost you in August. I mean wow. It's still as raw as it was back then. Why does time go so fast? I wish you were here at periods in my life that you missed out on. Me getting married. Me becoming a parent. I always thought you were invisible and nothing going to hurt you. The cancer hurt you. Just like dementia is hurting Nanny. I couldn't make you better, I can't make Nanny better either. I'm sorry.
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I normally write what's inside my brain.
On 31st January 2023. I was told I had autism and a mild learning disability. Excuse me. I have what now? You have autism with a mild learning disability. I'm nearly 34 & no one has picked up that I have autism. Right! That's funny. You're funny. Apparently they're serious.2023 was the first for many things. I needed 3 operations.1 to the mirena coil. Damn cervix. But hey the plus they found atypical endometrial hyperplasia (precancerous cells in the womb.) Other two. I had an infected kidney stone stuck in my uterus and it lead me with an AKI (acute kidney injury) & sepsis. Cool I'm good now. No precancerous cells or should I say no cancer. My kidneys are still pretty fucked from time to time. But hey. I wish half these of things happen to me. I wish I didn't know. But if I didn't would I still be here or would I know any different? Long story, short. I wouldn't be me if it hadn't happened.
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Since you asking what's on my mind. I'll tell ya. I've been wondering (don't worry, I'm fine) , I know my Nanny (both) my Granddad (Mum's side) , also knew 2 of my great grandparents. Granddad Bert (Nanny - Mum's Mum's Dad) , & I knew Nanny Marge (Granddad's Mum.) This is gonna so weird, but I don't mean to it. I have vague memories of my Granddad Bert, I knew he had a favourite chair & had a black & white cat. I always thought he lived there, apparently it was a care home I was 4 when he died. I have kinda more memories of my Nanny Marge because she died when I was 17/18. I don't know my other Granddad (to make it worse, I don't know the first thing about him) , Great Nanny & same with my Great Granddad. I feel like there's no love there. I'm numb to them there's nothing to them, even to my Great Grandparents who I knew. Feelings are weird.
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I'm in a dark room & I can't see the light. I have a torch, but the batteries are dead, & the new ones are somewhere in the dark.

Where are them damn batteries?
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Since you asking what's on my mind. I'll tell ya. I've been wondering (don't worry, I'm fine) , I know my Nanny (both) my Granddad (Mum's side) , also knew 2 of my great grandparents. Granddad Bert (Nanny - Mum's Mum's Dad) , & I knew Nanny Marge (Granddad's Mum.) This is gonna so weird, but I don't mean to it. I have vague memories of my Granddad Bert, I knew he had a favourite chair & had a black & white cat. I always thought he lived there, apparently it was a care home I was 4 when he died. I have kinda more memories of my Nanny Marge because she died when I was 17/18. I don't know my other Granddad (to make it worse, I don't know the first thing about him) , Great Nanny & same with my Great Granddad. I feel like there's no love there. I'm numb to them there's nothing to them, even to my Great Grandparents who I knew. Feelings are weird.
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Trigger: self-harm talking

I tried my hardest after 9 years, but failed at the last hurdler
I self harmed again.
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Lockdown of 2020 (don't ask which one - England had so many.) Obviously I had time to think, on things I didn't know I could think about.
When you're stuck in the same 4 cornered wall & only out for exercise.
Your brain goes into crazy mode, listen coming from someone who has mental health, the world even more crazy than you.
I've always appreciated the small businesses, NHS, emergency services, key workers etc.. But why did it take for global pandemic for the country to appreciate them.
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It's 2022, I thought the 2020s was going to be amazing decade but all it has done has hurt, pain, death and misery.

Coronavirus was the start of the decade.
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I am the outgoing one, the fun one, the witty one, the stubborn one, the thick-headed one, the thoughtful one, the kind one, the listener.
I am the party planner, the one who has drinks and sings karaoke, the one who is the cause of most laughter, the first to show up and last to leave.
I am the dreamer, the adventurist, the one who pushes the limits. The sporty one, the competitive one, the aggressive one, the strong willed one.
I am the one who cares more about others, the one who smiles at strangers on the street. The one who would give an elderly person their seat on a bench. The one who loves to eat candy and drink water. The one who tries to eat food but is still too thin.
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Now that he's gone,
You're going to need me more,
He was the one to put a smile on your face,
Yet his not being here has pricked a tear.
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