Activities of Lily Paig

She always thought he was like every other boy in their small town.
A player - She didn't doubt it. She was under the impression that was one of those guys - too self-aware of his attractiveness for his own good.
Heartless - He presents himself as though he doesn't care about anything. It checked out in her naive brain.
Full of himself - he doesn't think highly enough of himself. He says he's an asshole but she has a different perspective. It all sounds human. All the things that make him think that way.
...

She's quiet. Careful not to annoy him.
But she's forgetting something. Something important.
He doesn't have the same thought process. He probably thinks she doesn't want to talk to him.
So she starts talking more little by little. Hopefully he doesn't think she's upset with something he said or did.
...

I can't describe- and you couldn't begin to understand how much I love him. I can't put it in to words. I want him to be happy and successful in life. He deserves the world in my opinion. I want to hold his face in my hands forever. I want to pick out a wedding dress for our wedding. I want to pack lunches for our children. I want to pay bills on our house. I want to gather on holidays with our family. I want the world to be ours.
...

I really need you to know that no matter how many times I burst into to tears and clench my fists out of pent up frustration and use all the anger and force in my tone to say 'I hate him.' I don't. I love you and will always love you, just not always in the same way. You are one person I can truly say changed my life. And about the only one that I can say changed it for the better. And for that you will always have a place in my heart. Up until my very last breath.
...

She's walking down the hall
Half dragging her feet
Unsure of how she's feeling
Does she want to see him?
...

TW: self harm
'It's hard to explain.'
It's not. The word is happy. He makes you happy. But you can't say that. Why? Because you care what people think.
'He makes me happy'
...

A girl. An abused child relentlessly torn down by her peers in school.
Growing up got harder every year. Some new insecurity or some stupid boy. Her friends leaving, the abuse getting worse.
She was ripped to shreds. She picked apart her appearance in the mirror nearly every day.
She was in such a dark place, she couldn't eat. For days at a time, she would eat only lunch. When what she would call a 'binge day' happened, she felt good. She didn't realize she was slipping into an eating disorder. For years.
...

TW: eating disorder
They were on their way home when her mother asks, 'Did you eat anything? '
Fuck- she had forgotten again. She thought for a second. 'No can we please get Burger King? ' She didn't want to lose herself again. More importantly, she didn't want to leave anyone. Not like that anyway. She got home and ate on her stomach so she would be able to eat more. All she wanted was to be healthy. What happens if she falls asleep and never wakes up to that goodmorning text? She couldn't think of a worse possible time to be at risk of anything of the sort. So she ate, until she was full.
Even if half way through she wasn't enjoying her food anymore, she ate it. Three meals a day again. She'd never really thought about the risk of what she was doing before. And she never thought recovery possible. But she thought about it all the time now. She texted him saying she got Burger King, unsure if he'd really care. Her phone goes off. It's a snap from him. She held back the tears as she read the words. No one had ever told her they were proud of her before. Every time she wants to skip a meal, she remembers. She can't do that. She needs to live instead of survive for once.
...

TW: self harm
As I sit and cry on the bathroom floor
I wonder,
How did I get here?
...