Evan Histed Biography

Life is a thesis statement named Ralf
My new name is Ralf, Ralf Tiffany Sanders I was born in Udaho. When I was born I kissed the doctor and made her blush, my mother knew from that point on she wouldn’t be able to take care of my needs so she sold me to a hooker a day after I got out of the big house aka the place where the mass majority of civilization starts, the hospital. It’s funny how we all are born in the same place “a hospital” the most common half wit answer a person will give when asked “where were you born? ” Janna is one of the few who will actually say “Elizabeth City”. I was dancing on poles when I was three. The crowds adored putting baby food on my nipples and I would tickle them with baby bottles in return. The late nights with spiked milk hardened up my gums and I would sometimes put shows on the street biting through steel bars and then seeing how big a bubble I could blow from the snot in my nose. The crowds favored the skills I had on the corner so I often had to fight for my territory from the women who thought I was a threat to their business, which was a legitimate fear considering that well frankly I was better than any of them could ever dream to be. When I was three and a half some bitch dislocated my hip; she thought that it would put me out of business but I put my new abilities to use. Basically I could increase my flexibility by throwing my hip out of joint and then to get over the pain I would increase the vigor of my thrust… when I was four I killed my mother, she forgot to bring home the liquor. I was a calm child; my poker face was superb! Unfortunately I went too far one day when I got a straight flush of hearts and knocked up the Dergods boss’ sister and girlfriend and mother. When I was six I decided that I wanted to find my real parents not the mother I capped in the face. To my surprise my parents were two country hicks Luke and Janna. My mother Luke left my punk dad about the time when I was fishing singles out my G-Diaper. Janna said that my mother was dead but I saw her (Luke) banging him (Janna) two days before I formally introduced my self. They were in a tree surrounded by a huge crowd going at it like beast from Mars or Uranus… they finished and tried to fly over the crowd but failed miserably and ended up killing an innocent bystander. Dad I found out was a compulsive liar who couldn’t stomach the truth that he was NOT a raging alcoholic who beat me obsessively and murdered my pig mother. My aunt Will swore up and down that he restated his thesis but ended up destroying his future with a few misplaced words… dad swore that Will was a jackass born from a spider monkey who won thirty thrifty disco worlds and lost the thirty first because he became a man, and could no longer sleep with the judges… I’m kinda inclined to actually believe what dad said.

“thesis statements are supposedly important, however, I find that I usually change my thesis statement after I have written the paper… because the paper has nothing to do with the thesis statement… yay
Procrastination
Distractions
Tangents
Awesome dreams
Lol
Vivid dreams
Yay”-Amy Baek