Activities of Ellis Slater

I can't sleep. It's 11: 47 P.M. on a school night. I am sitting here writing and begging my mind for some peace that I know will never come. But I suppose that being up for almost three days straight is better than sleeping without dreaming. When I voice that, most people are surprised, saying that they never dream. Rather, its not that they do not dream, just that they do not remember dreaming. I am so afraid of forgetting, so I stay awake with insomnia to keep me company. A night of rest means nothing if I "don't" dream, for to sleep without dreaming is to live life without a purpose. If I don't have a purpose, then why am I here, at 12: 01 A.M. writing my woes for someone else to read and maybe understand?

When I am void of sleep, it means that everyone else better watch out. I am lacking vital down-time for my body, so now I am achy, quiet, and insensitive. But even if I could sleep without forgetting, is it really rest if I cannot turn off my mind? I believe that the brain is the scariest part of me. But since I will not let myself forget my dreams, I can deal with my body twitching. Seizing up at the touch of warm air. Aching like I just ran a marathon I did not want to run. Except when I'm done, it's not just my body that hurts, but my head and my heart as well. While my body runs around daily trying to satisfy everyone's needs, my head swims through thoughts of what could have been, and my heart jumps over hurdle after hurdle for those that it loves, but since my heart does not love me, it's never for my own well being. I am doing a triathlon I didn't know existed. I know it's silly to ask, but still I must, why does everything that makes up me hate me?
...

Long after dark
I hear my phone ring
I let it play its tune
Let the song sing
...

1. It's all going to be okay, okay?
2. Look on the bright side, now we can both be happy!
3. Sometimes I would look at you from a distance, far enough away so you would not see me, and wonder what you were thinking of me. Wonder if I could ever tell you how I really felt.
4. I thought you would have picked up on this a little sooner, if I am being honest.
...

I wish I could get some kind of relief
But that would mean trouble
For me and loved ones, who's teeth
Often burst my feelings like bubbles
...

My voice is soft and weak
Crumbling when I want to talk to most
I wish and beg that I could speak
Have I found another impossible feat?
...

1. It's all going to be okay, okay?
2. Look on the bright side, now we can both be happy!
3. Sometimes I would look at you from a distance, far enough away so you would not see me, and wonder what you were thinking of me. Wonder if I could ever tell you how I really felt.
4. I thought you would have picked up on this a little sooner, if I am being honest.
...

If you die before me
I would jump down into your grave
and hug you so innocently
that angels will become jealous.
...

I am weak
So weak, I cannot ask for help
I am weak for freezing
Weak for crying myself to sleep
...

I didn't believe adults saying "Life flashes by"
That they were just old and tired
Now I get it, but the bar is too high
There's nothing I can do, except sigh
...

The calm,
Cool face of the river
Asked me for a kiss.
...